LETTER 6: 27th September, In verse

HOPSCOTCH

All your life, you played hopscotch,
With one-legged and sometimes broad jumps,
To avoid the vagaries so hotch potch,
Till the very obstacles you had triumphed!

Scary moments you skipped around,
With fiery determination and grit,
Mysterious protection so profound,
Guided you in this game of skill and wit!

Many boxes you stepped upon,
Thinking with creativity,
Changing life’s inherent poison,
Into medicine; madness to sanity!

Oh suddenly, your game came to an end,
Two months ago, your last day lived,
Last day played, till the lines bent,
As you skipped away, ever freed!

We should be happy, you won the game!
But the pain strikes across the court,
Rivulets of tears, blur the pain,
Physically, we are now forever apart.

But the boxes and their lines remind us,
That life is an endless game of hopscotch,
Of fighting like a lion courageous,
And smiling till the last box is crossed!

So through the foggy eyes, we see you,
We remember a life well lived and grand.
Standing to play another game with life,
And playing it beautiful and bold, till the very end!

Tipu,
27th September, 2016 (2 months from the day Manju Dasgupta last lived)

LETTER 5: 14th September, 2016... Rebirth

Dear Ma,

39 years back you were the same age as I am today! You gave birth to me on a Wednesday afternoon on this day, though your doctor and family members advised you to go for medical termination! You believed in me and that helped me survive to be born blue with the umbilical cord tangled around my neck! At the risk of your health and life, you entrusted the seven nurses and doctors to deliver me from the chakravyuha in a new world... of life and hope! Thus, you named me 'Abhimanyu' and Bapi 'Tipu' to denote my survivor spirit! At the same time, you broke the stereotypes associated with two tragic heroes! My birth was our first victory together! Ironically, at this juncture, exactly 39 years later, I don't have the honour of being wished by you, spoken to by you, hugged or kissed by you! Today I am born anew!

My celebrations began last evening when Mia and Mim surprised me with a gift hamper and a yummy cake and we Skyped with Bapi and the gang at Hyderabad! They also penned their thoughts in a card that you would have looked at and said 'Bah'! As I cut the cake with an uncontrollable flow of tears and an aching pain in my heart, I knew that you were there, enveloping me with that same love which made you give birth to me! We all remembered you and the tears wouldn't just stop! I wore a new T shirt as you would have surely scolded me otherwise!

You taught me that life is precious and each individual special and hence, celebrating birthdays was a grand tradition in our family! I remember the wonderful birthday parties you organized for me, calling my friends and welcoming them with Chandan Tilak and garlands and serving us yummy, home cooked lunch as we sat on the floor to relish it! I remember the late nights you stayed up baking cakes based on my requests, in a professional manner! I remember you taking me shopping for new clothes and shoes and always commenting that I never asked and hence, you were always happy giving me all that you could! I remember you toiling in the kitchen to serve all the guests restaurant quality home food cooked specially by you! The memories rush in from the distant past only to stir my heart and remind me that you are now a memory!

I learnt from you to make Mim and Mia feel special on their birthdays not by the largeness of the gifts but by the generosity of the heart! I too, began the tradition of baking Mia's birthday cake as per her requests! I learnt so much from you that the line blurs now that how much of me is me and how much of me is you!

We also celebrated the Grandparents' Day at school today, a programme that you always tried to attend for Mia. Today she was sad that she did not have you by her side physically. But she cherished the day remembering you and even made a card for you!

 

Over the last 24 hours, more than 300 people have wished me on Facebook, Whatsapp, through SMSes and phone calls! But the one wish and the one voice I craved to hear was yours. Alas it is the echo that lasts in my heart and no longer in my ears.

As I step into my 40th year, I determine to live by your example of wisdom, courage and compassion! I determine to live with boldness and kindness, and shine and smile ever lastingly like you did! I am born anew!

LETTER 4: 27th August, 2016, One month

Dear Ma,

One month back you sent us your last Whatsapp message of going to the hospital, telling us how much you loved and missed us in your pain and warning us to 'be prepared'! Little did we realize then that that would be your last message ever to us and today the last day you lived in this material world! It is incredible how time and life stops for nobody, and how one month has flown by. We do not want to remember the day you died but the last day that you were alive!

The world has continued to be filled with a mix of pain and hope. Devank turned 2, Neo turned 4 and Hardyk turned 10! There have been natural calamities that have claimed a lot of lives as well as human created conflicts which have done the same! Mia has begun to learn to play the violin and Mim received huge protection in a road accident on the highway! Bapi's writing is complete and he has begun his new one at the new table that Subho Madhavi have got him! My work too, has been going on steadily and my latest online workshop is in the second week! We have also instituted an award in your memory at Loreto College for a promising 2nd year student! The world hasn't even blinked with your passing and has continued to twist and twirl ahead with lightning speed!

Our lives though are filled with memories at every turning! The gifts you bought for your grandchildren! The comments you would have made when something happened. The emptiness of your Whatsapp messages and calls. The silence of your voice and the smile of yours frozen in the photo frame! Bapi and we talk almost everyday and Skype once a week. And every minute we remember you and your spirit!

As we move on with the burden of the pain and emptiness, we wish to remember the lioness that you were, the boldness with which you lived your life, the courage you displayed in the hardest of circumstances, the inner revolution you manifested in your environment through your 17 year old practice, and the smile that characterized you! We want to remember the life that you lived and the spirit of hope, faith and courage you embodied! We are trying, amidst our pain to remind ourselves that that was the message of your life! Your message till the last moment that you lived... even one m

o

nth ago!

LETTER 3: 14th August, 2016, Devank's Birthday

Dear Ma,

Came to Hyderabad to fulfill one of your last desires of being present to bless Devank on his 2nd birthday. We had a quiet but happy celebration while dealing with the pain of your absence and yet your omnipresence watching over all of us. Madhavi served Devank lunch in true 'you' style, and he couldn't wait to peck at it all!

Jhim being in Hyderabad came this afternoon with Tojo and spent a great hour or so with Bapi and Devank.

We bought cold drinks, hot chips, and Subho had ordered a cake from Taj! The gift Mim, Mia and I had chosen arrived on time this morning. Devank was thrilled to play with them all. Gayathri came over too and we decked up the house with blue and white balloons... Mamata style, you would have commented!

Mim and Mia joined on Skype as we sang while an excited Devank cut his cake...you smiling lovingly at all of us! He loved the cake and had already claimed the cherry on top before we even cut the cake.

Madhavi has cooked mutton and pulao and I cooked, for you, remembering you, Shewaiyer payesh. With love...as you had always taught! While they went to drop off Gayathri home, Bapi Skyped with Aju and then we chatted a long time remembering you. As we talked it became easy to let go of the pain as we realised that we had no regrets for the life you lived or the way you left, but just that the emptiness in our lives in very hard to deal with. We hope you will be around Bapi giving him strength and hope, as you always have!

In the end, we hope that when Devank grows up he will know that we celebrated his birthday in the grand way that you taught us to celebrate this day. But he will also realise that the most beautiful part of our family was not there!

As we miss having you around, we also feel your presence enveloping us...but is that enough? We continue to miss your energy, your smile, your frown, your enthusiasm and your zest for life and celebrations! We love you MA!

LETTER 2: 11th August, 2016, In Memory

Dear Ma,

It has been 2 weeks since you have left us! We are still dealing with the void you have left behind. Bapi is slowly settling in Hyderabad with Subhorup and Madhavi and engrossed in his work. 

He wrote a poem for you, which I tried to humbly translate. Usually you were the one to translate these and felt the need to do so, in your absence.

Questions

We had planned to come to Hyderabad
To our son’s new apartment... by the Begumpet rail station!
And yet, I have had to come alone.
In the station nearby, through the day, so many trains travel up and down,
Up and down, endlessly,
No one to keep count,
Yet when a freight train crosses by
With its deep, thundering sound,
It brings back memories, oh, it brings back memories ---
The memory of our first kiss,
In our home in Dhakuria by the lake and the rail line,
In the privacy of the dark, secluded,
Two beings enveloped in passion, had thought
That that moment would have forever remained eternally lovely!

Then we set up family,
In joy and sorrow, laden with love and at the end of so much angst,
One of us left, with a touch of the hand,
Still warm then,
Never to return!
Why did the other have to remain?
Only to listen to the moaning of the wagons?
When a being is lost,
How much does the world change?
The chain of time is disentangled into pieces
Across this rail line?
Will the wheels of the cargo laden trains
Forever cut across my heart?

Surajit Das Gupta,
8th August, 2016

Yesterday, we also had a memorial gongyo at our home in Lodha attended by almost 25 people, mainly our colleagues and members in this area and not to forget Doyeldi! People who probably had met you at meetings and were inspired by your passionate sharing of Buddhism. Many people shared their experiences including how they dealt with loss of a loved one. Eyes were moist with sadness and gratitude. But words spoken by Mim rings in my ears and heart...'She left like a queen but left us behind like paupers!'

We hope and prayed for your peace and happiness. We are sure you will be born near the practice. Till we meet again... loads of hugs and kisses!

LETTER 1: 1st August, 2016
Departure

Dear Ma,

Over the last two days more than 200 people came to express their respect to you, not to mention the outpouring of emotions on Facebook! We had organized a memorial gongyo for you at home on Saturday and people shared the deep impact you had left on their lives. Sunday morning we floated away the last of your remains in the Ganges praying for a peaceful rebirth and new life as Subho and I chanted three daimoku.

Mia wanted us to celebrate your life and hence, we had a memorial meeting for you at Ankur yesterday...the same place where Chandreyee and I had danced, where Mia was introduced and Subho and Madhavi got married! We all came well dressed in vibrant colors as we know you would not have enjoyed a gathering of people dressed in white. 

The entire Dasgupta family was present including Minku, Bipasha, Ashmani, Sharan, Shoma and Titi. So were endless friends and relatives. Mini mashi, Supriya aunty, Tanu mashi, Shoma Boudi, Gautam Neogi, Titkudi and Bapi shared many memories from their interactions with you, your life and your courage! Mashi, Ruchidi, Chirantan, Raj and Rup and Mia sang some of your favorite Rabindrasangeet. You would have been especially proud of Mia.

The place was adorned with bright colored roses and a poster made specially by Mia and Ashmani along with special cards made by Devank, Jahnavi and Geetanjali. We drew solace from the way you lived as in death too, you set an example. We treated everyone to a box of your favorite food from Hindustan Sweets and your ever loved Maaza which was lovingly served by the kids to all and sundry.

Anjali aunty also did a hom for you and Spark yesterday at her place! We even went to her house this morning to have your favorite idlis and masala chai!

But the undeniable truth we are all grappling with is that you were not there! In spirit probably you were happy and omnipresent but in physical form you were amiss! It was heartbreaking to see you left behind inside a photo frame, still radiantly smiling! Bapi wore the new lungi that you had gotten done and many of us were in vibrant green! Wish you were there to witness the tears, the smiles, the joy, the sorrow and above all the gratitude people carried in their hearts for having known you!

Life will move on...it has to! These memories however, will never fade. You would have wanted to see them and hence, the photos!

No words are enough to express what we all learnt from you and sometimes learnt not to do seeing you! But that also we are no longer sure of! In the end, I recited two poems of yours! It was hard to do as you were no longer there!

We have fought and made up so many times before Ma. But this time you are not there around for me to say sorry or love you! But I know, somewhere in the macrocosm our thoughts and emotions will pierce through and deliver them straight to you, without the reassurance of the blue tick on our numerous Whatsapp messages! May you find solace and be born back near Nichiren's Daishonins Buddhism, which was your greatest gift to so many of us! May we meet again in our next lives and be blessed to be loved by you!

We are grieving but in the same breath rejoicing and celebrating everything you symbolized! We love you Ma and you will never be forgotten!

An introduction

This blog is dedicated to late Mrs. Manju Das Gupta, who passed away on the early morning of 28th July, 2016.

She had turned 79 on 4th July, earlier that month and it was my good fortune as her younger son to have been present in Kolkata to celebrate the birthday with joy and family. She left behind on this mortal earth, the following:

• Her husband and partner of more than 54 years of companionship, Surajit Das Gupta
• Her older son, Subhorup Das Gupta, his wife Madhavi Padma, and their 2 year old son, Devank
• Her younger son, me, Abhimanyu Das Gupta, also widely known as Tipu, my wife, Chandreyee Das Gupta (Mim), our 9 year old daughter Mihika and our 4 year old son (canine), Neo
• Her sister, her sister-in-law, her neices, nephews, and their spouses and children
• Many other family members....distant and not so distant, with whom she always maintained contact
• Her huge family from the Bharat Soka Gakkai, as she was a follower of Nichiren's Buddhism since 1999 and had made friends and fellow comrades in Kolkata, Hyderabad and Mumbai
• Her still engaged ex colleagues from Loreto College, where she worked for more than 24 years, Oriflame network, where she rose and shone over more than a decade as a successful businesswoman and more recently her WellScience network of friends and colleagues
• Her friends....a list that is too long to enumerate but a unique one as it had anybody and everybody she met, big or small, rich or poor, and whose lives she touched
• And a whole world of friends on Facebook, where she reigned as a social butterfly over the last 5 years or so, making new friends whom she had only met online and everybody who remember her for her vibrant spirit and active engagement in encouraging and empowering one and all!

Our last selfie!

However, this blog is probably most about the special relationship she and I shared...even though she shared special bonds with almost every one she met and each person will remember and cherish the relationship they built with her.

It has been more than 6 months since she left us and I am sure many of us on the list above, remember her every single day, every single breath! There are endless thoughts and memories that rush forth when I think of our 40 year old relationship...the exact age she was when she gave birth to me. But this is going to be a documentary on the numerous letters I have been writing to her since she left for her heavenly abode. Through the letters, I know she is alive in my heart and more importantly I want her to know that we remember her every day. So, this blog will recount the letters in sequence, from the very first one I wrote to her within a day of her passing and I hope, the process not only becomes cathartic in helping me let go of the pain instead of her memory that time tries to force clean from my head. They say time heals, I say time makes you forget...and that is why I decided to put it permanently in the digital world...a domain we probably don't understand fully in its design and I hope through my sharing...it will reach out to the nano particles of her soul through the highways of the universe...and through the bits and bytes of love and fondness, admiration and respect, and countless memories...she will live on.

Lest we forget!